#anyway fuck them and i hope they get home safe because they're old as fuck and probably going to die in the next 5-10 years

[covington-shenanigans]

christ alive I love my parents and I'm glad I got to see them but they are just. so fucking exhausting

[lunasfics]

Found Family - Under the Blossoms

summary: You’re new to that concept, it’s one thing you have yet to fully adjust to. The concept of people actively choosing to love you as you are, people who care if you disappear without a trace, people who see your flaws and shortcomings and still choose to see the good in you. 

this is sort of a continuation to found family! read here

pairings: Batfam x f! Reader, Supers x f! Reader

word count: 2k

request: "I neeeeeeed more Wayne-Kent daughter stuff. Your first post was truly amazing. Can I request a fic gets really upset about something and she hasn’t been home in a couple days. Everyone is looking for her but she’s hiding somewhere far away, maybe in Japan surrounded by cherry blossoms and a koi pond in the forest. Clark finds her and brings Bruce with him to see if she’s okay. You can change anything that you want but just the premise of the reader missing. Thank you!!! " requested by @ashdoctor

a/n: hi! i would first and foremost like to thank the sender of this request because I have had the worst writers block and this kind pulled me out of it :).also this not not proofread so sorry in advance for any typos,,,, anyway, this is kinda focused a bit on bruce and y/n's relationship cause they're both like. fucked up and complicated lolol but yeah I hope you like it! ALSO! i based the old japanese couple on a haikyuu character kita shinsuke, cause why not i thought it'd be fun

“Shit.” 

“Well I’ve flown through all of Gotham and Metropolis twice, and did a once-over around the country, not a trace. I’m getting really worried.” 

“She has to be somewhere, how long have we been searching?” 

“Going on day 3.” 

“Fuck.” 

“I’ve checked every landmark I’ve taken her to see during our training, I haven’t seen her once.” 

“We’ll keep looking.” 

The comms have been flooded for the past two days with nervous chatter and consistent but pointless updates in regards to your unknown whereabouts. Clark and Connor have been doing the physical searching while Bruce has hacked into any and every surveillance camera he could in hopes of the system picking up your face somewhere, anywhere.

Your siblings have taken over Gotham patrols, Barbara occasionally taking over the online search while Alfred forces Bruce to get some sleep. 

You’ve been living with him for well over six months now, adjustment has gotten easier for you, and you’d gotten more comfortable in going off on your own to explore. Now, Clark never has a problem with this, encouraging you to explore as much as you could, “The world has so much to offer, soon you’ll understand why we care so much for keeping it safe” he’d say. 

Bruce however felt it was reckless to use your powers so casually, you shouldn’t depend on them the way you do, that it's a liability to your civilian life. It’s not something you should be so careless about, “Your safety and well-being is not someone you should take lightly.” 

Naturally, you are too stubborn to see this was purely out of worry, that he actually cares for you. You’re new to that concept, it’s one thing you have yet to fully adjust to. The concept of people actively choosing to love you as you are, people who care if you disappear without a trace, people who see your flaws and shortcomings and still choose to see the good in you. 

Maybe that’s why you reacted the way you did during your last conversation with Bruce. The seething anger that heated your bones, the dense lump that formed in your throat as you spoke. The unpleasant pit in your stomach as you slammed the cave door behind you, the sweaty palms and the inexplicable reflex within you that told you to keep yourself guarded. To not let these people close enough to stab you in the back, to protect yourself and your skills. Do not allow yourself to be held back.  

So now here you are, on some farmland in a tiny town in Japan. You weren’t sure this town has had access to any recent tech for at least the past ten years. It was a refreshing change, it reminded you of all your favorite things about Smallville. The smell of the crops and the way the cherry blossoms bloomed along the outskirts of the fields in the spring. The pink of the petals was soft and peaceful, the wind blowing softly through them released a pleasant floral smell that made you feel at peace. 

Arriving there was an experience, you just flew and flew until you found yourself in a field at the crack of dawn, opening your eyes to an elderly Japanese couple standing over you, concern etched into their aged faces, confusion was evident in the way they spoke to you, but so was kindness. 

Mr and Mrs Kita were kind people, taking you in without question because they knew you were in need. They told you their story, about their grandson and how he goes to school in the city.

And so they invited you in and were delighted to find that you speak Japanese, although their dialect was different from yours, they welcomed you with open arms. You’ve worked in their fields the past two days, finding peace within yourself, and as nice as it was, you missed your family. 

Back in the house, the couple observes you as they do everyday, you pay no mind as you continue to harvest crops. 

“She’s a bit of an odd one, isn't she?”

“I quite like her, honest worker, though she seems as though she carries a heavy burden.” 

“Yes, I noticed that. She's quite adorable, she almost reminds me of our Shinsuke.”

“I do see it Dear, perhaps they’ll meet when he visits for the summer.” 

“I do hope so.”

“I’ve got something.” Bruce stood in his seat, gloved hands clicking away relentlessly as the batcomputer, pulling up a global map of movements that have broken the sound barrier within the past week.  

Clark stood behind him, eyeing the screen that was littered with red lines, the United States being full to the brim given their recent search. There were more streaks around the world leading to the landmarks, all which Clark could recall making. However there was one that stood out to him, a singular streak that abruptly stops in the middle of Hyogo, Japan. 

“What could she possibly be doing in the middle of Japan” 

“I really don’t know Clark but we need to go now. Wait for me outside, I’ll update the others.” 

All that was going through Bruce’s mind was seeing you again, having a rational, calm conversation where he isn’t so wound up from a failed mission and where you don’t feel so backed into a corner. 

Bruce Wayne isn’t very much a man of expressing feelings, granted, over time he has improved immensely, but he is nowhere near perfect and neither are you. You’re two people, a father and his daughter who are trying their best to be better for each other and for those you love. 

Bruce is a man who at times tends to lack patience, there are not many things he isn’t good at, unfortunately being emotionally vulnerable is one of the things he could use improvement on. 

That’s probably why he let you go that night instead of chasing after you, and it’s probably why he stayed silent while Lois was telling him off when he first told her and Clark that you were missing. 

If he’s learned anything in his time as a father, it’s that he’d do better, and he will continue to be a better father today than he was yesterday. 

Regardless, he knew he needed to get his daughter.

For one hour every day, at one o’ clock, you went and sat under the cherry blossoms, inhaling the comforting floral fumes, feeling the defined rays of sunlight peak through the branches of the tree and onto your soft skin. 

You knew the soft breeze by heart now, the way it felt softly dancing through your hair, the cool sensation of it against your hairline as it kissed away the beads of sweat formed by the day of work in the sun. You had decided last night that today you would go home, as peaceful as it was there you missed your family. You missed your dads and brothers and sisters, you missed the civilians you’d help on patrol. You missed helping people, but more than that you missed your family. You missed baking for them and laughing with them, learning about life and society with them by your side every step of the way. You had decided that today at sundown. you would leave everything in order and organized for the Kitas and bid your farewells, of course you would visit soon, they’re  kind people who took care of you when you needed it. 

You immediately knew something was off when you felt a sudden gust of air, uncharacteristic for the climate in this area. You knew for certain something was off when you heard the familiar swoosh of that cape. 

You turned slowly and sure enough, you saw Bruce, walking towards you in long powerful strides, Clark not far behind him. 

His steps are aggressive, almost sloppy, his strides large and powerful, his walk having more purpose than you’d ever seen it. 

You prepared yourself for the lecture, the mental image of his condescending glare as he breaded you for your lack of self preservation, your recklessness, how this could have compromised your identity, how you're stupid, so so stupid. How you don’t think. How you’re not worth it, a lost cause-

Two strong arms wrapped themselves around you before you knew what was happening. The scent of cologne and the faint smell of metal filling your senses, why isn’t he yelling at me? 

“I was so worried. We all were. Please, don’t do that again, we’ll talk it through next time. I’m sorry.” His voice was gentle, not what you were expecting, his voice was kind, so much so that you felt your eyes glaze over, a wet sensation making its way down your cheek. . You were crying. There was that puddle of warmth pooling in your chest, that sense of security and safety. Clark came up behind you and held you tight, the feeling intensified. 

Ah. Now it made sense. His steps weren't aggressive, they were nervous, emotional.

“You really had us scared there, kiddo. Next time, come to Metropolis, or Smallville, or the tower, anywhere with anyone, but talk to us. We’re always going to be here for you because that’s what family is.” 

Tears fell from your eyes, though you didn't understand why, tears were typically for sadness, but you weren’t sad. These were tears of disbelief, of joy, of love. How funny it is that you never, not once thought you could possibly be cared for like this, that you could ever obtain a proper family like the kinds you learned about. You decided then and there that you would be damned if you ever lost them, if you ever left this. 

“I’m sorry I left, I shouldn’t have. I was going to go back today– the people. The people here have been taking care of me, I was going to help them and say goodbye.” 

Clark shook his head, “You don’t need to apologize, it’s okay, Y/n. Why don’t you go say goodbye, and we can have dinner with Ma and Pa. Sound good?” 

You nodded gingerly, feeling like a small child, you never got a childhood, you didn’t get coddled nor did you get spoken to in a loving manner. You were never reassured nor were you truly shown kindness until the night they saved you from that lab. 

The world is a cold and scary place. You’d seen some of humanity's worst, you were created by them, you were intended to be one of them. You’ve found that within the world there’s kindness, there’s love, there’s peace. 

You pulled away from them and made your way through the field and into the house, smiling at Mr and Mrs Kita sitting at the dinner table playing a game of chess, Mrs. Kita stood and smiled at you, as if she already knew. 

“I want to thank you both sincerely for your hospitality, I can’t thank you enough for the kindness you have shown me,” your voice shook but you continued, “I promise to visit again soon, and anything you need, please let me know and I will give it to you.” 

Mr. Kita laughed and shook his head, “You owe us nothing, if anything we owe you, the fields look better than I’ve ever seen them, you’re always welcome here.” 

Mrs. Kita smacked his arm lightly, and smiled and pulled you in for a hug, “That isn’t the only reason, what he means is we will always welcome you here with open arms, Dear, be safe.” 

You hugged them and retreated back to your dads, joining them on their way back to Kansas, where your loving family was already waiting.

Bonus!

“My goodness! Did you see that scary man in the cape outside? How cold he looked.” Mrs. Kita shuddered as she laid next to her husband. 

“Yes, I did, and my, that bulky fellow in the blue? He could do without the leggings.” 

“I think they do him quite a service… from behind at least.”

“My goodness Yumie, have some class Dear.” He shook his head.

She laughed, “Well, you don’t have it like you used to, old man. I’d like something to look at every so often, why don't you go buy yourself some leggings?” 

He scoffed, “Not happening, Woman. I don’t want to talk about this anymore. They best not keep Y/n from visiting or I’ll fly to the states and get her myself.” 

The room erupted into giggles and laughter, it was peaceful in the small farm in Hyogo that night.

Taglist! Went ahead and just reused the one from the first chapter! If you'd like to be removed, send an ask to let me know!

Taglist- @one-green-frog @bonniecat @minnieearsposts @chickentenderx @murkyponds @loserwithnofriends @ilikefanfics4 @fangirlvibez @instantplaiddream @lovelywritersgarden @calicocat45 @strawberrycreamh @sappynappysworld @zyuuuu @allycat4458 @lovelypitasworld @batfamlover @pterodactyl-hater @american-idiot21 @starlets-things @th1s-b1tch-1s-dead @dontgivemeyourname @normal-internet-user @sillyfinn @lostgirlsstuff @llvmakk @princess76179 @vanessa-boo @1lellykins @blitzythefanvergentpitsterthings @samibrewss @pickyblue12 @thetiredtoad0-0 @lacklustertrashbag @biadoll21 @blublock404

[nekrosdolly]

enemy's daughter (18+)

albert goes after chris's daughter.

a/n; @thatgirlgames who said i was teasing? also teehee i love old man wesker sorry guysss

cw; creep!wesker, afab!reader, major age gap (reader is 21, wesker is 61), circa 2021 aka re8, wesker lives au, unsafe sex (p in v), creampie, brief nipple play, clitoral stimulation, fingering, door sex, slight breeding kink, praise and degredation

petnames used; little dove, dearest, angel

you still haven't told your dad about your boyfriend, but honestly, you don't think he needs to know. not like he ever asks, or checks in with you, anyway. growing up, you'd rebel to get his attention, but this is your best try yet.

you're dating the albert wesker, the one your dad swore he killed back in 2009. what a stupid idea, you know, but you're head over heels for the much older man. every touch warms your chest, that feeling travelling up and warming your cheeks, too. it's a different kind of high, getting the attention of an older, dangerous man that your father absolutely despises. in some weird way, being with an older guy makes you feel safe. when albert wraps his arms around you, his toned forearms warm on your stomach even through your shirt, you feel… good. you don't think about what's troubling you as much. you feel light, and like you can relax because he's got you.

he makes you go dumb in many ways. his favorite way is take you by the waist and press a kiss to your forehead, muttering about "what a good girl" you are. the way your eyes gloss over and your cheeks flush pink makes his cock hard in his leather pants. every time you give him that look, it takes all of him to keep from fucking you wherever you may be. you knew you were in for it the first time he said it for you, because he's never let you live it down since.

you just hope your dad doesn't come home to see wesker when his restraint fails. like now.

albert hasn't bothered to undress you properly as he presses you against your front door, your tits squished against the fiberglass composite exterior with your back arched, his hips flush with your own as he rips your tights open by the gusset. fleetingly, you mourn the loss of another pair of tights.

"baby," you whine as he grips your hips with one hand, the other coasting around to and down your tummy to cup your cunt through your sinfully sheer underwear. you're wet, but what's new? you've been wet since you greeted him at the door, hours prior, and now as he's about to leave. of course, he can't leave you without giving you some of his cum.

"i know, dearest, i know." he murmurs, his hard-on throbbing in the confines of his pants. they're becoming uncomfortable, his precum forming a wet patch in his boxers. he needs you now.

the hand on your hip moves, slipping under your shirt and beneath the cup of your bra to lightly pinch your nipple, eliciting a soft moan from you as you press your cheek against the door. your knees are hardly supporting you at this point. his hand cupping your cunt moves the gusset of your panties aside, two long and cold fingers moving between your wet folds, pushing into your weeping cunt with ease. gummy walls flutter and clench, a breathy noise leaving you. the heel of his hand bumps against your clit with every thrust of his fingers, the friction bringing you ever closer to your impending orgasm.

you don't really have time to be doing this, though. your father is due home in ten minutes.

just as you get close, your cunt sucking in his fingers with every welcome thrust, he rids you of them and instead forces them in your mouth, his other hand leaving your body to undo his belt and nearly tear his fly open. he skips taking them off, favoring pushing them down just enough for his cock to be let free. it's leaking something fierce, even as he drags the fat head through your folds as a warning before sheathing himself fully inside you.

the stretch brings about an unwelcome burn that melts into pleasure within seconds as he starts thrusting with the desperation of a dying man. as much as he'd love to surprise your dad with you impaled and drooling on his cock, on edge and ready to cum, he'll save that for another day. he's too preoccupied with how your cunt sucks him in, how you whine and dig your nails into the tough material of the front door, the brass doorknob digging uncomfortably into your thigh. if he could keep you this dumb, this sedated from his cock forever, he would.

you're all but drooling, every thrust forcing a sinful sound from the depths of your throat. the lewd squelching noise you two make together only adds to the intensity, how he's so rough with you. his whispers in your ear, praise mixed with filth, make you squeeze him extra nice.

"such a sweet girl, angel. my dumb little dove, already drooling just from my cock," he croons in your ear, hardly breaking a sweat as you draw nearer to your climax. you nod, fucked out and dizzy.

"mhm- m'gonna c-cum- fuck-" you scratch at the door just as the pad of his middle finger circles your puffy clit, his free hand nearly crushing the bones in your hips. he groans quietly, just barely audible but with the close proximity it's hard to miss.

you cum with a final cry of his name, your kneels threatening to buckle below you. he bites your pulse point, stifling the moan he lets loose as the coil in his own stomach tightens. he's not going to pull out, either. he never does, in hopes of knocking you up, and he knows you're ovulating. you made the mistake of telling him so just a few days ago and he hasn't stopped thinking about it since.

you're whining that it's too much, that your dad is almost home and that you two need to stop really soon. he cums not a moment later, not stopping as he fully intends on fucking his spend as deep as possible into you. his cock pokes your cervix and you yelp, briefly realizing that nobody's ever done that to you before.

just as quickly, he's tucking himself into his pants and hoisting you up in his arms to place you on the couch. he pecks your lips before rushing out the door with a brief "goodbye", leaving you stuffed with his cum and dizzy in the middle of your living room. you hear his car start and peel out of the driveway, just as your dad texts you that he's almost home. you let your eyes flutter shut as you turn on your side, falling asleep shortly after.

when you wake up, you've got a blanket over your lower half and your dad's sitting in his recliner, glass of bourbon in hand and a cigarette in the other. he doesn't need to tell you that he knows what happened.

[monsterswithimagines]

Undisclosed Desires - Part 10

Joe Goldberg x female!Reader

Summary: Twenty minutes before he would have met Guinevere Beck, Joe meets you instead. You intruige him, but it will soon become clear that there is something off about you.

Words: 1457

Smut warning!! Masturbation only.

Masterlist

A/n: of course I figure out how to write longer chapters when there's a smutty Joe Goldberg scene involved... Also, I realized today the whole "but it will soon become clear that there is something off about you" in the summary isn't actually that "soon". I'm just having way too much fun with stalker Joe...

Radio silence.

That's what the past two weeks have been, and it's my own fault. I fucked up. I tried to push for too much too fast.

When we left the festival, everything seemed fine. I got you a cheap burger and some coffee like I promised, and I sobered you up like I promised, and I got you home safely like I promised, and everything was just great. Then, the next day, I texted you:

ME: Do you want to get dinner with me after work tonight?

And you answered:

And I told you of course but then the weekend came along and you told me you had a thing, and then the next week you were busy, and now it's been two weeks of us barely talking. You're not even that busy, (Y/n). I know because you stay in every night eating twizzlers and watching Netflix. You're not even reading, which may have been a good excuse to bail on me if the book was really, really good.

YOU: ugh!!! i can't 😭 i'm sorry this week is going to be the worst

YOU: maybe this weekend? 😁

Well, today, I'm figuring out why you won't talk to me. It's easy as pie. First, I call a plumber about a leak in your bathroom. I make sure to pick a big company, so the person on the phone definitely won't be the person who comes by. Then, after your landlady has opened the door for the guy they sent, I go in and call:

“Babe? I thought you promised you weren't gonna leave the door open anymore! Oh, hello.” I act surprised to see the plumber coming out of the bathroom. “Are you… supposed to be in here?”

“Got a call about a leak. Everything seems fine, though.”

“(Y/n)’s always saying she's sure somethings wrong in there. I keep telling her there's nothing wrong at all.” I make a motion with my hand. “She's just not strong enough to close the tap all the way.”

Your apartment is old. I really hope I'm right about your taps being old, too.

“Well, there are no leaks,” the plumber says. “And you can tell her I said so.”

“Well, thank you for coming out, anyway.”

“Yup.”

I lie on your bed for a while, breathing in your scent. Then I go into your bathroom and smell your soaps. None of this is why I came here, but I can't help myself. I'm drunk on you.

And then the guy leaves.

I am gloriously alone inside your space. It's even better up close than from a distance: your books are all well-read, and on the wall where the windows are, you've got posters of old shows and movies. You've got a cd-player underneath your window which can't be seen from outside, and a cd-pole, too. You’ve got Bowie and Smashing Pumpkins and Nirvana, and you don't just have them to have them either. They're not dusty, which means you actually play them.

Finally, I find your laptop. It's underneath your bed, just where you always leave it. You never close it down properly and you don't have a password, which means I'm in.

You are logged into WhatsApp and Discord. I can read all your texts. Your e-mail is open, too. This is the history of you, right at my finger tips.

I check the time. Four pm. Another hour until you even start to go home.

First, I check your texts. You are texting right now: your mom. Or at least, you sent your last message to her ten minutes ago, and you're still waiting for an answer. It's all in Dutch, though, and if I take the time to translate everything, I'll be here for far too long.

Your texts with Nadia are the same deal. Dutch. I translate the last few, from last night, because I think you might have actually said something meaningful to her, but nope:

YOU: what colour should i dye my hair?

NADIA: No!!! You finally have your own colour back and you TOLD ME to stop you if you tried to bleach it again!

YOU: ok but what if i dont bleach it

NADIA: I will fly over there and kick your ass.

I smile. I still like Nadia.

Below that exchange, there is your work group chat. Then, there are your messages to me. You don't text a lot of people, it appears.

Your Discord is the same: a whole lot of nothing. Most of the messages are years old and while I would love to go through them sometime, to get to know a younger version of you, today is not the right day.

Your email is more interesting. You, (Y/n), have a penpal. Here's the latest in a long, long email chain:

To: Greybird@wirrhino.com

Subject: WHY AM I LIKE THIS

hey hey,

i know we haven't talked in a while (why does every email we send each other start like that omg) but i miss you, and i wanna talk to you, and i figured you don't mind getting a message at like 3 am.

how are you doing? how's your family? how's the manny-ing job going? (is that even how you say that? idk. i'm not english and i will never pretend to understand the intricacies of the jokes of this language.)

a lot has been going on with me, i'll be honest. for one, as you know, i moved to new york!!! fucking finally. we are in the same country now, which means we have to plan that road trip across the states soon. come on, grey. we've been talking about it since we were 16 and we WILL make it happen. i will murder you if you say no!!!

anyway. things are good here. ish. you know how it is. the job is jobing. i don't think anybody there really likes me. actually i'm pretty sure no one there does. it's super lonely.

at least i've made a friend! his name's joe. he works at a bookstore so you just KNOW i have a crush on him. but also he's my only friend here and i don't want to ruin that. but i kind of am ruining it bc now i'm avoiding him bc i'm 100% sure he likes me too and WHY AM I LIKE THIS, GREY?? ANSWERS ARE NEEDED! but yeah. he's really great. and cute. and ugh.

write back!! i need advice and also i need to hear about your life.

love,

(Y/n)

I have never been so happy, (Y/n). I love this Grey, whoever he is, because you told him I'm really great. And cute. And ugh.

Also, you said you have a crush on me. I knew it! You are obsessed with me. You send emails about me at three am. You think I'm great, and cute, and ugh. You are avoiding me because you want to jump my bones. You are so obsessed with me you can't stand to talk to me.

I lie back on your bed and stare at the ceiling and I'm hard. Harder than I've ever been. I press my hand against my cock and then I unzip my jeans and stroke myself and is this love, (Y/n)? Will we one day tell our children you couldn't stand to be near me because you loved me so much?

Great. And cute. And ugh.

Great. And cute. And ugh.

One day soon you will show me that email and you will be so embarrassed, but I will tell you how adorable you are. I will tell you I was in love with you from the start, from the moment we met. Then you'll kiss me and you'll ride me right on this bed, right in front of this window where anyone can see us–

I check the time again. I need to get going soon, or you're going to catch me here. One day it will be expected of me to be waiting for you after work, but that day is not today.

I come hard, all over my fingers but luckily not on anything else. Part of me wants to wipe my hand on your sheets just so you'll smell me tonight, but I know you're not ready for that.

I go and wash my hands in your bathroom. The one where there isn't any leak.

I replace your laptop, make sure your bed is exactly as it was when I came in (messy, so that's easy) and pick up a sock you left on the floor. That'll be a keepsake for me. A reminder of this day, when you told someone you had a crush on me. That I am great. And cute. And ugh.

[polyhexian]

To be fair something like 80% of Australia's population live within 40km of the coast, so once you're like. 4 or 5 hours out people start being like 'oop yeah rural'

Like, my dad has a house near Coffs harbour, which is a pretty populated area but his property which is only an hour out is completely rural. I dunno tho I live in the western suburbs of Sydney so I'm just a westie LOL

That being said I hope you have a great time! Are you living here permanently now? My friend who lives here permanently now from the UK had some issues w the lingo but you defs get used to it over time!!!!!

- sincerely someone who's just very excited sorry hahaha

Lmfao. I'm gathering that, actually. Wait, is Sydney the west side of Australia? For some reason I thought it was east... I'm from eastern US so it's going to take some getting used to, being on the west of anything LOL. Hell, I even lived in east wangjing when I lived in China.

I dunno, I suppose I wouldn't consider a place rural if I'm within walking distance of a mall. I suppose this kind of thing is something I've missed since I moved north. I like jersey a lot, like, a lot a lot, jersey is very much a home to me, but it's also colder than my bones like, and there's more people and less land. I grew up driving past farmland on my home. I mucked horse stalls before school. I sat on the porch with my folks during low level hurricanes and watched the wind and the rain. I grew up searching for downed litters of squirrels and raccoons after storms and making fresh lemonade in the summer with my folks. I liked getting ice cream down by the river and watching the boats roll in. Whenever I visit them we go for long drives looking for second hand shops run out of old barns where you spend twenty minutes talking with whoever is sitting outside selling fresh honey before you can leave.

Its all very fond, I know, and bit rosey-glassed, but those are things I missed in the north. Everything is packed so much more closely. People don't have sprawling yards and old barns and sheds filled with endless junk there. People don't have the space for backyard gardens. I could go down to the river or the beach, sure, but they're fucking miserable places you really aren't meant to actually spend time at. Either it's explicitly tourist fodder or it's exclusively functional private property. It's usually ugly, too. The rain smells wrong.

And for Christs sake, they don't have enough goddamn reflectors on the fucking roads. It's insane. Any time I drive down it's so noticeable how suddenly I'm like actually I don't hate driving at night anymore, because I can see the fucking road. What the hell is this? I fucking hate the reflector thing and I never shut up about it

The spot I'm staying at is nice. It's beautiful weather. The shops are a brisk walk away, including the stuff most vital to me like a chemist and a prescribing doctor. Theyve got mountain dew for my Yankee indulgence and meat and eggs I can actually AFFORD.

Tho, also, it's a very small town and thus I have not heard another American accent since I've arrived, but I HAVE heard many comments on it lol. I'll have to get used to that again.

"permanent" is a word I hesitate to use- I'm not naturalizing or anything. I don't plan to, anyway. My current status is "I'm living here until I decide not to anymore." The states are fucking dangerous, and it isn't safe for me there anymore. I can't go back until I feel safe doing so, and I won't go back until I actually want to. If I go back it will certainly be to jersey, though. If my boyfriend ever gets his arcade open, I'd like to be a part of that. But I don't see that for at least ten years, honestly. I have future plans here I'm quite fond of, too. Lots to do with kitty cats.

One of the big reasons I left the US is that I'm disabled and in the US, i can't work enough to support myself. I can only work part time at an in person job and I can't keep regular hours. My stupid heart and it's stupid blood won't let me. Here, for now, I technically can't work at all, but if I can't work in either place at least here it costs less to survive. Most of my income is passive, from YouTube and redbubble and such; with commissions when I'm able. It's certainly not ideal or anything, but my options have always been pretty limited. Something else nice about living in the US south east is theres so much space it's much easier to just sort of hole up in a generous family member's attic and eat store brand food to skim by without asking too much of anyone or being too much of a burden. You can't do that up north.

Australia is nice. I want to buy a desk this week. Right now that's sort of where I'm at haha, remove clothes from suitcase, move bed against wall, acquire desk, reassemble computer. Try to make some money again. Eat bananas on the back deck in the sunshine.

[neonzparkoflife]

lowkey me and my sunder themed discord profile against the world (im insane) (does this even count as south park anymore) (yes im matching with zee again)

This au has a whole ass playlist and a pinterest board i'm so cooked. Gonna start making way too much art for it and die of a heart attack the next time I think about how awful it is that Kyle wasn't able to save Kenny but Kenny manages to save him anyway and then they never get to see each other ever again. "You wrote the story why don't you just change it?" YOU DONT GET IT!!!!! "You're the one who killed them!!" YOU'LL NEVER GET IT 😿😿😿

i guess while I'm here I can rant about the music in the story uhhh

CCF- this is the song that inspired me to start doing some world building that turned into Sunder and it actually came out the night I finished writing Cuties so I was so Kenny and Kyle brained at the time (still am) but it basically encompasses a big theme in Sunder, especially the end. The lyric "I'm gonna stay with you" has an unspoken "can you stay with me?" kind of implied. It's like how they leave a lasting imprint on each other but can't ever speak or see each other again (AUHGGHHHGGHH 😿😿😿😿)

There Must Be More Than Blood- this song really encompasses Kyle's search for the truth and what he believes in. Before he "died" he lived day to day in a boring cycle of nothing but after he came back to his realm and was alive again he finally made the effort to (1) find out what happened to Kenny to cause his death which eventually leads to (2) discover who he was and who he cares about and what he believes in.

Waiting Around to Die- this song is basically the stenny dynamic AFTER Koyote leaves his friends and BEFORE Kyle meets him. He spends decades walking around the desert aimlessly, dying to various creatures, starvation, Endes deciding to kill him for fun, etc. one thing that he does to keep hope is to talk to the stars, not knowing that Stahre is listening to him and hating himself for not having the courage to save him from dying over and over again.

Vincent- this is absolutely what plays in my head every time I imagine the Stahre vs Endes fight scenes because they're really cool combat-wise (Endes is a bounty hunter with old school cowboy guns and Stahre has a lasso scythe—theyre epic) and absolutely HATE each other. They're arguably the most powerful of everybody.

Gethsemane- this sums up kyle's boring life in the human realm then it switches to the sundered realm :3

Safe and Sound- song that makes me cry because I can only see it as Kyle and Koyote missing each other. "I only hope we make it home safe and sound" because yeah they're safe but GOD do they miss each other. ALSO KYLE WAS THE FIRST ONE TO EVER SEE KOYOTE'S FACE SO OW??? NOT EVEN KOYOTE HAD EVER SEEN HIS OWN FACE.

The Cactus- this one it's scary how accurate it is to the story because I didn't know about it until AFTER i wrote it. This is basically Vlaum and Wyx and how she saved him but was depressed about being confined to the moon and unable to talk to them ever again so yeah. She lowkey goes kind of mad being alone with no one to talk to but fucking STAHRE.

These are just the main ones the official playlist is bigger! Thanks for reading my specific ass au that I hate (love) pls feel free to ask me questions I absolutely love writing this but I feel bad talking unprompted..

[nighttimenothings]

Cas Cas Cas Cas Cas Cas Cas Cas!!!!! Went to pride, the shirt didn’t arrive in time so I said fuck it and wore my favourite outfit that makes me feel like a boss ass bitch and.. I had THE BEST TIME! I originally went with my mum and her friend but then I met one of my old friends halfway through and I really love having a friend. It’s been a long time since I’ve had actual friends and it’s such a nice feeling to have.

I can’t remember if I told you but a few months ago I kept seeing this hot masc everywhere I went (first at a train station, a few times at my work) and I was always too scared to ask them out and then I saw them ON THE BUS HOME. I gave them a free lgbtqi flag badge that the fire and rescue were giving out and just started up a convo! I have their instagram now and UGH I’m just so over the moon. Even if nothing happens (they said they’re gonna go to university far away and I don’t do long distance) and we stay friends I’m just so so so proud of myself for putting myself out there!!

I feel like it was fate, every time I see this person my heart skips a beat and I feel drawn to them. It’s so weird I’ve never really had that but I’m so happy about it.

Anyway, you’re one of the people I wanted to tell. I hope you’re pride month is going fabulously and may all the hot women find you and you get laid everyday because you deserve it <3

Love ya!

-🫧

hi hi hi! i'm so sorry this is weeks late, but i'm SO pleased you had the best time!! i know you were worried about it before you went, so i'm super glad things went even better than expected. and hello?!? that's so cute that you went with your mum and her friend—it's always the best when you have people who support you celebrating with you :)

i'm so proud of you for putting yourself out there and making a new friend! you'll have to update me on the situation with this hot masc because it sounds like a lot is happening hahaha. and who knows, it may be the right person at the wrong time, or really, maybe this person is just someone special who's meant to be in your life! things have a way of working out the way they're supposed to.

thank you for feeling safe enough to share your life with me! my pride month was uneventful, but thank you for the well wishes 🤗. sending you all the love back <3

[swordofsuns]

So I once ran a thing that wasn't really dnd but I roleplayed over text with my friend lucy's character from a oneshot she'd done, and I played as a character I had been thinking about named Aavondale Kospith. haven't put much thought into it in ages but I found a song that reminds me of them and the brain rot is BACK so here we go

Let me tell you. I'm a sucker for warlocks. Especially ones who are less than excited about their pact. Aavondale was a human kid from a middle of nowhere settlement who went on a walk through the woods one evening to see the first fireflies of the summer and ran into a demon in the forest.

It was there because a wandering elf had been preparing himself for a deal with it for several months, and they were supposed to meet to finalize the pact that night, but the demon wasn't used to this plane and all mortals looked the same to it, so when Aavondale came upon a clearing with the final spell circle, it told them to step forward to complete the deal and began to get angry when they froze and didn't obey.

Av didn't really know what was going on, but they could see from its glowing eyes and hear in its voice that whatever it was, it wasn't human, it was evil, and it was dangerous. When it got angry, they were scared it was gonna hurt them, which to be fair it probably would have, so they took the step forward and in doing so walked into an incredibly complex pact without any of the supernatural preparations the elf or the demon had planned.

The immense power that the elf had bargained for was only within them for a moment, and they were so overwhelmed by it that by reflex their body fired off a spell to try and get rid of some of the immense thing now inside of it, and it landed them in the middle of some other random forest. And, of course, their body didn't have the right preparations to process it, and came away changed.

So we have a fresh young tiefling with no idea yet where they are or why they can see in the dark in greyscale. They wander for a few days before passing out from dehydration near a town, some locals find them, and they end up taken to the nearest orphanage. Let's just say it isn't kind to them, and within a few days they take off in search of their home.

They wander from tavern to tavern, doing work in exchange for a room or at the very least a stay in the stable, and hang around the places for a few days in the desperate hope that someone they recognize will walk in and tell them how to get back to their family.

I'm gonna stop the plot part of the rant here. This isn't even the roleplay this is just the backstory. But the place where av had grown up was pretty much all human, and is extremely distrustful of alien races and outsiders. A drow was once stoned to death for wandering nearby by accident. And tieflings were the subject of each and every scary story you tell to children to get them to be respectful and not disobey, they're the evil creatures hiding in the shadows beneath your bed.

So fourteen year old Aavondale is fully convinced they're a monster. It hurts to look at themself because even their skin changed color. They feel massive shame for being too young and weak to have known, or to have even been able to have stopped things if they had known. They feel so small in the face of this huge world they don't know how to navigate and they're constantly reminded of the fact that they don't actually know how to take care of themself. They're just a kid, and that cost them everything, and they just want someone to make them feel safe again.

So yeah. that's my kid. I love them. you will be getting more later about when they finally DO meet someone who recognizes the name of their town. they gain a parental figure who is actually less of a functional adult than they are, but that's probably good anyway bc let's just say there is a vacancy that's gonna need to be filled.

thank you for listening to be ted talk

Oooo fuck yeah

Can i talk about my NON Jess murder evil plans

[everyone-with-a-para]

(5/5) alright! arc four! once all the alola stuff wraps up, cole+my guy are...still fired from aether, not that they'd want to be associated with aether now anyway. so it's time to develop a new research angle, and This time it's working with professor burnet to develop a way for them to safely traverse the ultra wormholes that nebby can create. and where does the first one drop them but hisui, over 100 years in the past! and initially they're just. out in the wilderness. and they're not stuck as long as they have nebby, so they could leave, but they want to explore a bit instead of just dipping out because they can't see any signs of civilization. so they do a little wandering+luckily, instead of getting Attacked by anything, they run into the pearl clan's favourite warden: ingo! this ingo is distinctly different from my other para of him; this one has been living in hisui for like. At least ten years. maybe closer to 15. and he only vaguely remembers his home+has basically resigned himself to the fact that he's never gonna see anything even remotely close to it again...until he runs into this little group of very-obviously-modern travellers+is like Oh My God. he pretty much assumes the lot of them are fallers right away+starts fussing immediately, trying to orient them+get them somewhere safe, while THEY'RE all looking at each other like "is it just me or is that a unovan railway uniform. where the hell are we?"

either way, things get cleared up+ingo is...somewhat disappointed to discover that they're not in the same situation as him, but also relieved because good lord nobody deserves that. and they tell him "well we're gonna stay here for a little for research because this place has got pokemon we've never even HEARD of, but when we go we could try+see if we can get you back home." initially ingo declines because he has Duties here, but he *does* accompany them when they go on research because he knows the land better+doesn't want this group of kids (read: roughly 17-25 year olds) dying in the wilderness. and it's during this, while watching everybody Be A Family from the distance, that it occurs to him "ohhh i see. I Miss Having A Family. Badly." and it's not just having a family, it's also having Anyone who really understands him. as much as he's settled into hisuian culture, he's still an outsider from another time. so when it comes time for everyone to pack up+leave for real, he decides (with a bit of regret) to abandon his post as a warden+come with. part of it is the temptation of being able to actually Go Home, but it's also because everybody else has genuinely grown on him+he doesn't want to lose anybody he feels close to again. Found Family Complete. for now at least.

...and THAT'S the story as it stands! this could go a few different directions; right now i'm playing omega ruby+depending on how much i end up thinking about it everybody could end up getting plunked in hoenn. there's also obviously if, how, and when an emmet/ingo reunion happens but nothing concrete has been worked out for that. i'm trying not to go "oh my god this is fucking long" for the 70 millionth time because you DID say you were interested so um. thank you for reading. i REALLY hope this all sends in proper order+tumblr doesn't eat any of these asks lmao but if it does i can resend any of them. again: literally had to draft this in a word doc. can you believe this is the Short version of all this. i swear to god this is meant to be more truncated. i'm not even going into the symbolism of everyone's pokemon teams or anything. did you know genesect is here? fucking genesect has been here the whole time

@ninesecretsteps

Ingo mention Ingo mention Ingo mention!!!! (Can you tell I love him?)

Oogh I put Ingo in Hisui for 5-7 years depending on how I feel but people who do 10+ make me incredibly sad

My Ingo has very similar complicated feelings about his Duties and life he's made in Hisui vs the want to go home when Akari convinces (threatens) Arceus to let them. He very almost decides not to leave. It also doesn't help that he has no memories other than a flash of Emmet's face and the vague knowledge of a fire type pokemon. He's afraid of what he'll find or what he won't find because he just doesn't know whereas Hisui is Known and Predictable (and he's autistic) but also also Hisui never felt like Home. He's always been an outsider no matter how much of the clan eventually accepted him

My Ingo and Emmet do get a reunion and I daydream it a lot

Genesect:🧍

Thank you for sharing!!! I enjoyed reading these immensely!!!

[fourswords]

Coming into your house and blowing you a kiss. 💗💓💘💖💞💖♥️❤️♥️💓💘💖♥️💓💘💓 Hello, Kate 💖💖💞💓💘💕♥️❤️💗♥️💗💕💖💓❤️!!!! I found a secondhand version of BotW and have succumbed to consumerism, so I'll be able to give you Proper Thoughts on the game uhhhhhhhhhhhh eventually. when it arrives. Anyway, please tell me all about 1986 Zelda if you want because I literally know nothing about her or the OG game, and you're so genius. Also, hysterical to see you complain about BotW's music. Get her ass. Okay love you bye hope you're having a fantastic day 💘❤️💞♥️💗♥️💗♥️💖💓❤️💗

HIIIIII FREYA HELLO ILY I AM WELCOMING YOU INTO MY HOME WITH A VARIETY OF SNACKS AND BEVERAGES AND BLANKETS <33333 also PLEASE let me know how the game is when you play it!!!! i would genuinely love your thoughts on it and on the characters and everything else about it (including the music).

and oh my god. the og princess zelda. my darling dearest. i'm going to have to stick this under a readmore because i'm going to go on a rampage about it i just know it.

okay. so. the original legend of zelda game. the best thing to say about this hyrule is that it's been completely fucking annihilated. people are scattered and living in caves. there is no safe haven anywhere. there are even secret fucking moblins that link can find that are friendlier (they give you free rupees! :]) than the people who've set up shop in caves of their own and the only thing they yell at you is "BUY SOMETHIN' WILL YA!" and like. that's it. your only allies are these weird old people who also live in caves who give you swords sometimes. there's no map there's no towns there's fucking NOTHING. and since it's a game made for the NES in the 80s the only lore you really have is in the original manual for the game, and that's where zelda comes in:

"One day, an evil army attacked this peaceful little kingdom and stole the Triforce of Power. This army was led by Ganon, the powerful Prince of Darkness who sought to plunge the world into fear and darkness under his rule. Fearing his wicked rule, Zelda, the princess of this kingdom, split up the Triforce of Wisdom into eight fragments and hid them throughout the realm to save the last remaining Triforce from the clutches of the evil Ganon. At the same time, she commanded her most trustworthy nursemaid, Impa, to secretly escape into the land and go find a man with enough courage to destroy the evil Ganon. Upon hearing this, Ganon grew angry, imprisoned the princess, and sent out a party in search of Impa."

so the thing about having the entirety of a game's lore be based in a manual is that, essentially, the lore would have to be simplified. the full "story" is exactly two small booklet-pages long and it was going to stay that way because they were just trying to give hyrule a backstory and not write a novel. however. given how fucking treacherous and deserted hyrule is at the beginning of the actual game i think it's pretty safe to say that the war between hyrule and ganon's army lasted a hell of a lot longer than ganon just marching in and taking over everything. at least then there would still be ruins. but anyway. zelda. zeldaaaa my girllllllll the original zelda the one everyone in the fucking fandom consistently forgets about over and over again. she is drawn to be pretty much the exact same age as link in zelda 1 so i think it's safe to assume that they're both ten years old (since the sequel, zelda 2: adventure of link, happens about six years later when link is approaching his 16th birthday as per the aol manual). so it's like. you are a princess and you are ten years old and you have grown up on the legends of a hero that stopped the great evil every time it rose up (the hero of legend, for instance, who is the protagonist in games like a link to the past, oracle of ages/seasons, link's awakening, etc.) but ganon's army is winning and there is no hero in sight and so. what are you supposed to do. what are you supposed to do!!!! you command your nursemaid to escape, to potentially find a new hero to save the kingdom, but when you grew up in hell there's only so much stock you can put in the legends. so you take the triforce of wisdom, the triforce piece that You, Specifically were always meant to be the wielder for, and you shatter it, and you travel throughout the land hiding its pieces so that if everything goes to hell even harder then at least you can say that you tried to stop it. let some other princess be the one to panic and freeze and let the triforce of wisdom be taken. it will not be you. (and it IS implied to be her!!!! SHE is the one who hid them throughout the land! she didn't pass it off to her knights, she didn't have impa do it, no!!! none of that!!!! SHE DID IT!!!!)

and she's not hiding them in random bushes or anything!!! fuck no!!! SHE'S LITERALLY TRAVERSING THE DUNGEONS THAT LINK HIMSELF WILL GO INTO TO RETRIEVE THE TRIFORCE PIECES SHE HID!!!!! she essentially threw her hands up and went FUCK it if the goddesses of old won't send us a hero then i'll just be my OWN hero because i am NOT LETTING GANON GET AHOLD OF THIS TRIFORCE PIECE!!!!! like this girl had to be running across what might be the unsafest version of hyrule in the entire series and fighting all the dungeon monsters and dungeon BOSS monsters and whatnot all to hide the triforce pieces. and she's just a kid like link is!!! and it always makes me wonder. like. if she'd put just a little less stock in the legends. if she'd manage to get her hands on the magical sword and the silver arrows like link did. she would have been JUST as capable of killing ganon as link was. and actually i could go on and on and on about the courageousness of her actions vs. the fact that link actually genuinely only wielded the triforce of wisdom against ganon (which is a HARD left from the fact that. yknow. HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE THE WIELDER OF THE TRIFORCE OF COURAGE ACCORDING TO EVERY OTHER GAME). and then like. the thing is. okay so at the end of zelda 1 when link finally rescues zelda and she calls him the hero of hyrule and whatnot the sprites do a little victory pose where they both hold the two triforce pieces (wisdom and power) over their heads. BUT. the manual states that link quite literally leaves hyrule for a while WITH both triforce pieces. and it makes me wonder......did the triforce of wisdom "reject" zelda in a sense because she shattered it? there's such a gray area when it comes to the first two games because, again, the Lore Is Condensed Within The Tiny Fucking Manual Booklet Pages, but god. can you imagine it. the triforce you broke to protect suddenly deemed you unworthy of being its bearer. or something to that effect. my GOD.

AND!!!! this is only supported by the fact that in the zelda 2 manual, link is stated to have returned to hyrule in order to help the rebuilding efforts (because, as the manual states, "hyrule was on the road to ruin" as if it wasn't ruined already lmao) and in the zelda 2 game itself, LINK STILL HAS THE TRIFORCES OF WISDOM AND POWER!!! (not to mention the poor guy's fucked because he's got a curse on his blood that makes ganon's followers want to sacrifice him to revive ganon but this ain't about him). and combined with the triforce of courage (which he finally gets after six years) he uses it to wake.....another princess zelda. who was in a coma. for centuries. and she was put into this coma during a much happier time in history. and this is where people start to forget about the og zelda and focus on the sleeping zelda from zelda 2 instead because there's a zelink kiss involved at the end but whatever. and HONESTLY it opens up a whole NEW can of worms for the og zelda because god!!! fuck!!! there's now a whole new princess zelda from centuries past who was raised as a "proper" princess who wasn't fighting for her fucking life in dungeons after shattering the very thing she was meant to wield!!! i think about it so much. i wonder if she catches herself staring at this strange new princess zelda who never had to fight anything, who was never captured and kept in an inescapable circle of fire after shattering her birthright, who grew up learning about politics and inter-kingdom relationships while her own studies probably would've been about keeping the kingdom from exploding and imploding and every other type of fucking -ploding in on itself because Everything's Fucked, and thinks: maybe she would have made a better choice than me.

(and then in the other corner you have the now-awakened princess zelda from centuries past, waking up in a world where Everything's Fucked, and looking at the zelda who is her brother's descendant and seeing the strength of her willpower in every move she makes and thinking: she would never have simply stood there and let herself succumb to the magician's spell that made me sleep for generations like i did. but that's another post.)

and also. anyway. unrelated but also related. og zelda is cute as hell. look at her look at my girl:

she's so cute. she must've fucking destroyed so many monsters hiding those triforce pieces. if anything happens to her i'll kill everyone on this planet and then myself. i like to think over the years as link came back to hyrule and started helping hyrule rebuild they became close friends and fight monsters together sometimes. dynamic duo of all time. the feral little hero who appeared out of fucking nowhere like a demon in the night (no literally link has ZERO backstory in these games he's literally just Forest Child Supreme) and the courageous little princess who would have done anything to keep ganon from gaining even more power. someone did a comic on their take of their first meeting and i still think about it sometimes. "i nearly died getting those pieces you hid." "i nearly died hiding those pieces you got." I'LL FUCKING LOSE IT MAN!!!!! I REALLY WILL!!!!!!

ahem. did any of that make sense.

[areweevercameraready]

snippet two :>

A/N: me: oh no, AO3 is getting DDoS'ed :( and i just finished a chapter of beliefs so I can post another chapter! damn me: me: wait i can post another human chapter

anyways, please stay off AO3 for the time being and here's a post with more information, but they're facing extreme server overloading and opening AO3 pages makes it harder apparently. i don't know, i'm a communicator, not a programmer, so i'm just passing along what i know.

anywho! here's another snippet of the human au i'd been writing. if you would like to read the first part, here is the first snippet, which also has some more background on the au. check here for descriptions of the human au.

this is likely to be the last of this big story i'll be posting. i might post some of the oneshots i have in this au, as i have a few that are sorta unrelated to the plot that i'm comfortable with posting, but...well. we'll see. i finished chapter 13 of more than beliefs so i've 1) begun writing chapter 14 finally and 2) might post chapter 11 soon :D not having anything to do with my life right now is good for catching up on sleep debt and writing fanfiction! yipee!

i hope you enjoy!

Words: 7,265

WARNINGS: having a panic attack and being sad, not much more i don't think but if there is, let me know and i'll make note of it!

(in lieu of a diving image, please take this human au meme LOL)

“So. Bartender. Your name’s Eric, right? That’s what Marl’ said.”

“Mhm,” Eric hummed. 

“Thanks for driving them home. Marlowe would’ve flipped tomorrow if he woke up and realized he’d left the car somewhere else. He’s gonna flip either way, though, since the idiot teaches tomorrow morning,” David snickered a little, leaning against the car door in a casual manner. 

At the very least, the flippance was making it more evident that David wasn’t, like. Mad at him. Or something. Eric nodded again before remembering that David was now driving. “Uh. Yeah. Would have been a kinda problem.”

“Mm,” David hummed. After a few beats of silence, he added. “You got anything to do tomorrow?”

Tomorrow? Why was he asking? “I, uh, have work at four. At the bar. Other than that, no,” because truthfully, he was only scheduled five days a week at the restaurant.

He tried to get his shifts at the restaurant and his shifts at the bar to not line up, but five days a week at both jobs meant there wasn’t ever a chance of that happening. When he did need a full day off, though, for parent-teacher conferences especially now that Gavin was going to school, he managed to get the exact days precisely. Which was probably because he was so punctual and dependable. Which was what he tried to be. But sometimes, he worried that wouldn’t be enough, so he always clocked the days he’d need two months in advance. 

Tomorrow was just a lucky day though, to just have one job and not both. Often they stacked. Sometimes they didn’t. 

“Wanna meet up for lunch?” David’s proposition cut through Eric’s tangential thoughts. 

He turned to David again now, a slight frown on his lips, before asking, “For lunch?” as if he hadn’t heard properly. 

David nodded. “Yep. My treat, for bringing my boys home safe,” he shot Eric another grin. “Also you like, haven’t at all told me where the fuck to go. I’m assuming it’s closer to downtown but unless you just wanna keep driving in circles….”

Fuck. Eric looked out the window for real now, trying to figure out where they were. It was the highway going into town. “You’re going to want to take the Concord exit,” he said. 

“Okay,” David said. “But, yeah. Lunch.”

“Lunch,” Eric repeated, quickly averting his eyes back to the dashboard. “You and me and lunch?”

He didn’t really want to look directly at David, but just in case David like. Grabbed him. Or something. Eric wanted to see him in his peripheral. He saw David shrug. 

“I mean, yeah. You ever been to Lucy’s on Main? Such a great diner, I used to go with an old girlfriend every night almost,” David pulled off the exit. 

“Right. And then left at the, uh….fourth light.”

“Gotcha. Lunch. At Lucy’s on Main?” 

Lucy’s on Main wasn’t the fanciest place, but Eric had only been once, and that was for Gavin’s fourth birthday. He liked their theming, even though it wasn’t an actual children’s diner or anything, and Eric was never one to deny his brother when he asked for something achievable. 

If he could, he’d get Gavin the world. Snatch it right out of God’s hand

Going there with a stranger, though….if David wasn’t dating like, at least two other people, Eric would be worried this was a flirt attempt. And he wasn’t really in the mood to be romantic. He kinda wanted therapy first? And he hadn’t thought about romance in a while, not since his boyfriend in high school. Now he was an adult with responsibilities, he couldn’t just ditch school and smoke weed by the train station with Schmidt. 

This was just some guy being thankful, though, right? And he wasn’t doing anything tomorrow….and the idea of food, especially free food, was pretty enticing. A guaranteed meal would be nice. And at this point, he didn’t think this was going to be a trap. He knew Lucy’s on Main. He wasn’t...this was awkward, but it wasn’t like he was going to get mugged or anything.

The silence dragged, just a bit, and David sighed. “If you wanna say no, you can. I just know this’ probably way outta your ways, and you seem like you’re not gonna kill me and steal my car, so it’d be nice to hang out once and say thanks.” David sounded tired, too. 

Though that explanation was pretty straight forward. Eric nodded slowly in something like understanding. If David was worried Eric was going to be mugging him, and Eric was worried that David was going to be mugging him….well, he could just be saying this to get his guard down. Eric knew he consistently looked like his guard was up, more often willing to fight than he wasn’t, but maybe that was off-putting here. Maybe he was the scary one, here. 

Ah, the mom friend override. 

“No, I, uh. That’d be cool,” Eric said, then cleared his throat and continued. “Thanks for the offer. Would noon work?” 

“Yeah, sure,” David smiled as he took the turn onto Concord Avenue. “Meet you there?”

“Sure,” Eric said. “You can pull over anywhere on this block.”

He gestured out the window. His building was maybe two blocks down, but, well. He didn’t want to take this dude all the way to his apartment. 

Did he?

No, no he didn’t. Also, his days of one night stands were like, two years long gone. Eric wasn’t about to bring a whole adult (WITH TWO BOYFRIENDS, MIND YOU, AT LEAST TWO) to his tiny apartment at almost four in the morning with his kid brother sleeping in the same bedroom. Like, sure as fuck that wasn’t happening. Regardless of how pretty David looked in the moonlight. 

Yeah, he was tired as fuck if he was just going to start mentally waxing poetic about how pretty these boys were. Eric looked around at the car, out the window, then back at David. Who was watching him with a smile ever so slight, almost knowing, almost cocky. 

“What, you want a goodnight’s kiss too?” he joked. 

Eric snorted, shaking his head. “Nah, I’m just….” Confused. 

This was all so much, in one night. 

He had a hundred fuckin’ dollars in his pocket? 

And David’s boyfriend’s phone number? This dude just drove him home, too, for nothing, and was going to take him out to lunch tomorrow? 

“This’ a lot more social interaction in one day than I get most months,” Eric joked, almost confessed really, and shrugged. “It’s also four in the morning.”

“Huh, would you look at that,” David looked at the clock and pulled a face, as if he’d just noticed the time. 

Wouldn’t that be a riot? What the fuck was he doing awake, even? Eric snorted, hiding his eyes behind a hand as he laughed. “Stop no, it’s too-it’s too early for this,” he said between laughs as David began to chuckle a little himself. 

“Damn right. You head home, get to bed, and make sure you’re up at at LEAST noon!” David waved at Eric as he got out of the car, into the night air. 

It nipped at his nose, much colder than he thought it’d be. Granted, he thought he’d still be warm from the bar, too. Eric turned around, waving at David as he whipped a completely not-legal U-turn in the middle of the road, then headed back where he came. It looked like David was going to wait until Eric got into a building, which was kind of nice of him, but once Eric stood still and waved, he hit the reverse. Which was also fair. And also part of Eric’s plan. 

He didn’t exactly….Now okay, tomorrow morning this was all going to register as flirting. Eric was going to take off his shirts and lay down in his bed and watch Gavin sleep for maybe fifteen minutes before passing out himself out of just exhaustion while wearing his bartending slacks and without actually being beneath his pillows. He was going to not think about the implications behind the three men’s actions until tomorrow morning, while making breakfast, and he was going to be quiet enough in thought for Gavin to ask if he’d done something wrong while they were on their drive to school. 

“No, Gav, you’re fine. Peachy, actually, sweet pea,” Eric said, while he and Gavin waited at a stop light. 

Gavin was supposed to hold the motorcycle’s safety restraints while they drove, but more often than not he ended up holding Eric. He had his own safety jacket and belt buckles, which Eric installed as soon as he found out they were a thing. He’d gotten the bike before he’d gotten Gavin, and he wasn’t giving the bike away. 

“What’re you sad about?” the kid asked. 

The light was still red, so Eric leaned one arm back and gave Gavin one of their bike hugs. Positioning was always awful, but Gavin knew the drill, so he snuggled his helmeted head beneath Eric’s arm for a moment and hugged him tighter. 

Now, though, how to like. Explain this to the four year old.

“A friend asked to go to lunch together today,” was what Eric landed on.

Gavin gasped, excitement filling his voice in a way that almost made Eric feel bad. “A friend?! Yay!”

“Yeah, a friend. I’ve got those,” Eric joked. 

“Daddy’s got one friend,” Gavin said with his own snicker, and Eric laughed, too. 

“Daddy’s got more than one friend,” he said, and for a moment, thinking about the phone number written on the bill at home, he meant it. 

Gavin seemed happy with that explanation and with those jokes, and Eric was as happy as he’d let himself be. He dropped Gavin off and promised to pick him up later, told him to have a good day, that he loved him. 

Kid’s school got out at 1:38, which would be a fair reason to leave lunch, if it got like. Unbearably awkward. Which was a real possibility, if you asked Eric. Wasn’t last night awkward enough? This dude really saw Eric at his normal messiest states at four in the morning and decided that the best decision was to spend even more time with him. Granted, he was in his pajamas last night, and he seemed pretty out of it, too. It might be nice to have a real conversation outside of being ground into dust levels of tired.

Also, it wasn’t Eric’s worst, and he thought he’d held it together pretty well considering the outlandish circumstances. In nearly any other case, he would have gone running for the hills at the mention of having lunch alone together with a stranger, or even being handed a bill with a fucking phone number on it. He’d been hit on at the bar before; everyone likes the stoic type bartender, until he starts rejecting advances. Then he gets the drink thrown on him and slurs thrown his way, which like, really? The owner’s queer and they think it’s going to be okay to say slurs? Idiots. Eric knew it was a situation better than that kind of shit, but he didn’t know what made him say yes to these advances. Something about the genuine-ness of it all, maybe. 

And these like. Were definitely advances. There were no ifs, ands, or buts. He didn’t process it fully last night, but now that the lunch date was starring him in the face, he could see it for what it was: a date. 

Three people, though. That was three extra people to disappoint. And, if he really thought about it, Eric didn’t know if he could, like….handle that. On an emotional level but also on an anxiety level. 

Still, to not show up to lunch and flake would be rude, and he may be a coward but he was anything but rude. 

Eric took some time between dropping off Gavin and heading to the date to prepare. He had tried while putting his hair up, a looser ponytail rather than the pinned bun he had for either of his jobs. Usually, he’d’ve preferred to keep it down, but. Well. It got everywhere. It was kinda scraggly, probably 90% split ends. Good to have it out of the way.

He threw on a quick t-shirt, a pair of black jeans, and his regular leather jacket. If this was really just lunch, then it was a one and done kind of situation. Not much else for him to do, other than lay down and try to nap for an hour before heading out.

Lucy’s on Main was fairly crowded for lunch on a weekday, in Eric’s opinion. People were waiting outside when he got there. And he didn’t see David waiting amongst them, so he put his own name down for a table and went to go stand outside. There was a couple sitting on the bus stop bench, though. Smoking. It’d been a few years since he managed to kick his nicotine addiction, but he wasn’t exactly fond of the scent of smoke anymore, so after a moment of taking in the wind and hyping himself up to talk to a stranger, a whole ass stranger, he went back in. 

And that was when he heard a “YO! ERIC!”

Eric jumped, turning around towards the inside of the diner. Most of the tables were filled, and one had a guy with his arms up, waving him down. Literally. Waving him down.

“HEY!” David called out. 

Eric saw him crack a smile as he recognized him, as Eric waved back just a little. They were turning heads a bit. Just a bit. 

He told the host that he was with “that guy” and made his way over, sliding into the seat opposite David. And he tried to kind of avoid looking at him, because being yelled at across a public space was never something Eric was too fond of. As soon as he sat down, though, David waved in his face. 

“‘Sup, Harley,” David said. “Nice bike.”

“Thanks.” Eric looked up, briefly, then froze. And looked up again.

David’s hair was down, though it’d been brushed and was pinned back with a bobby pin or two. He was wearing a puffy varsity jacket and a t-shirt underneath, the varsity jacket covered in patches that seemed to be hand-sewn on. There was a pin, too, on the jacket’s collar, with the inclusive rainbow. Cute. His glasses were cute, too, framing his face in a way that made his smile look a bit wider as he also looked over eric.

He….Well. In last night’s dark, he hadn’t really caught what David actually looked like. He was smaller than Eric but they had similar styles almost. There was something comforting casual about David’s posture, though, and in the way he leaned back against the booth’s seat. 

Surrounded by hot men. Eric turned away as the waitress came over, hoping he wasn’t blushing as much as he thought he was, and ordered himself a plate of fries. Before she left, David interrupted.

“Nah, you can order more, dude. I’m paying,” he reached over and motioned towards the waitress. “Get a milkshake at least, Lucy’s shakes’re the fucking best.”

Now, Eric didn’t really want to be wasting someone else’s money, and the plate of fries was definitely more than he’d been planning on having today. But David was watching him. And Eric couldn’t really say no. Not when he was being watched like this. A burger did sound good, too, but….

God, he didn’t want to make David spend money on him. Eric stuffed his hands into his pockets slowly, playing with the edge of his phone’s case. “Can I, uh. Can I get a chocolate shake, too?” he asked. 

“M’kay,” the waitress said with a knowing smile. 

“And make his fries the bigger size! I’ll steal some,” David grinned at the waitress, who chuckled at his antics but wrote down the change. 

And then she left. 

Eric leaned back in the seat, and he didn’t really know what to feel. In a weird way, it was good that David just started to converse, then and there.

“Like I said, cool bike. What kind is it?” he said, as if he knew of it. 

“Uh,” oh, jeez, the bike. “It’s a 2005 Night Train.”

“Sheesh, a Night Train! And she’s still running? Do you do your own maintenance?” 

“I, uh. Yeah. Yeah, I do. Maintenance and modifications.”

And that got him talking. Which, like. Was hard. On standard, getting him to converse was hard. But then David mentioned his old bike, how he used to have a 2002 Softail Deuce, how he always found it hard to maintain. Well, ‘course it’s hard to maintain if you don’t keep checking on it, especially after not riding it for a bit. Eric installed the second seat and had to buy her new brakes, just in case and to help with smoother rides. 

He talked about how he kept his parts and mechanical tools in a case in his apartment. Usually he’d keep it stuffed under the coffee table, better than leaving it out in the garage. 

David said it was cool, that he knew enough to maintain the bike himself. Yeah, Eric just liked keeping up with it and making sure he knew enough about it. He didn’t know any mechanics in the area well enough to trust them to actually take care of it as well as he could. Plus, if anything went wrong, he’d know what the situation was. He liked knowing that. 

It was nice, to talk to someone about these things. Eric didn’t notice his tension easing up with David. It was almost natural.

David mentioned having a bike. What did he do with it? He had to get rid of it, he didn’t take good enough care of it. Sold it to someone before he moved out here. He’s originally from Michigan but relocated for work, since it’s better to be near a lot of galleries. Selling the bike helped pay for life after college. 

What did he work in? Art. He worked most in oils, something like a modern impressionist kind of painting. The big one was sculpting. He liked to chisel, but marble was kind of hard to come by. He’d gotten into wood carving, though, since the house was nearby a forest. He’d take down a tree somewhere on their property, replant a few saplings, then bring it in pieces into his workshop to carve. It was in the basement, but they’d set up a ventilation system well enough. He did like painting realism sometimes, as a hobby, though.

Eric didn’t know anything about art. He would love to see his works, one day. 

Well you could swing by. I don’t think anyone’d be home to mind. If you wanna hang out some more.

“Who’s home?” Eric asked then, almost confused. 

David blinked at him a few times, trying to process what was confusing, before realization entered his face and he snapped his fingers. “Shit, yeah. I’m supposed to….yeah. So, uh. Me and the boys wanted to get to know you more. ‘S why Princey and Marl’ were at your bar.”

“Oh.” What? Who the fuck are the boys? “Who’re the boys?”

“You’re gay, right? Just want to clear that up, ‘cause this is about to be so fuckin’ awkward if you’re straight.” David sipped his milkshake expectantly while Eric made a face, and before Eric even answered, David snickered. “Sorry, dumb question, you don’t need to be gay to like, get this. I dunno if anyone told you directly, but Phillip and Marlowe and I, and Cadence, and another dude you haven’t met named Draco, we’re all in a relationship. Poly, gay, all that. We’re all in a relationship.

“And like, we aren’t gonna reel you into a relationship with all of us. Cadence just said you were nice, so’d Marlowe and Phillip,” David put his hands up—Eric’s face must have been some kind of slack jawed, but he was more trying to decipher what David was saying than paying attention to himself. “We thought it’d be cool to meet you. Well. I thought it’d be cool. Like, as friends and stuff. And like, we move like a pack. I don’t wanna speak for the others on what they’re thinking, but I just wanted to make sure you knew like, this isn’t a date, not for me. But like, I dunno. You’ve got everyone’s interest now.

“So if you’re like, wondering why a bunch of randos’re meeting up with you out of nowhere, it’s because you seem cool and we all share one braincell that befriends people at the same time. We all wanna meet you. I dunno what everyone’s specific desires are past that, I just kinda wanna get to know you, but I think we could be friends. That’d be cool.” David leaned back, indicating the end of his explanation, and picked up his almost empty milkshake to sip from as Eric digested all of that new information.

“Oh. Okay,” Eric’s voice sounded hollow, even to himself. 

Was that like getting stalked? Was he just getting stalked now, but a frat house of gay dudes? Was that what was happening? He didn’t know. His ears were kind of ringing a little as he tried to process that. 

So he’d run into a gaggle of dudes who wanted to be his friend. All of them? They’d talked about him—of course they’d talked about him.

One of them was fucking famous? Eric didn’t know what being friends with a famous person was like, but he didn’t want cameras in his face all the time if that’s what it meant. 

Was he even good enough for that? Eric wouldn’t have considered himself friendship material for any regular person, not to mention multiple people at once, one of whom was famous.

He had a lot of concerns, off the bat. 

“It’s kinda a lot to explain. Mostly, we’re just gonna be annoying, since you seem cool and we wanna be friends. If that’s okay,” David said. “That okay?”

What would they want out of him? He didn’t have money. He barely had a personality, if you asked him. There wasn’t anything really to gain from being his friend. 

Why the fuck were these people interested in him? 

Eric barely heard him. He just. Starred. For a moment.

That was when Eric became acutely aware of where they were. Of who he was talking to. That this was...well, it was a casual conversation, but a proposition to come home. He had to—he checked his phone, it was 1:10, holy fuck. He had to pick up Gavin soon. Like, now even. He had to go. 

He had to go.

He just had to. 

“Okay. I,” what was he doing here, what did they want out of him? There was no way— “I need to go.”

David raised his eyebrows but said nothing of it. His smile faded. “Okay. Go ahead, I’m handling the bill,” his voice was a lot more gentle now, as if the fervor he’d spoken with earlier had been sapped out of his bones. 

Eric almost missed it. 

He’d been lulled into a false sense of security, out of talking about fucking motorcycles and art. He stood, one fast motion that is more abrupt than he should be, and turned down the hall. He could apologize. David seemed nice. So did Phillip. Marlowe. Cadence maybe even. It might be nice, to talk to some more people, to get to know them. 

Gavin had said earlier that he had a friend. He could stick his neck out there. Reach out to people. He had a phone number. He could turn around and talk to David right now. 

David had looked real sad when Eric left.

Instead, he walked down the hall and out the door. He tried his best to breathe evenly, because panic driving the bike was never smart, and in doing so he just. Swallowed. His feelings. 

Eric took a big gulp of air, actually, and grabbed his bike’s helmet. Already, he was just zoning out. He was going to go pick up Gavin! Then, he was gonna make sure the kid was doing his homework. And then he had a shift at the bar. 

What would they even say about Gavin? 

He revved the bike’s engine and pulled out of the parking lot without looking back. 

His brain was static empty by the time he pulled into the parking lot at Gavin’s school, a whole ten minutes early. He didn’t have to leave that fast. But he couldn’t just stay there. What would he do? Go back and talk to David? Face that kind of unknown? He...he couldn’t. He’d stormed out like something was wrong, and wouldn’t David be mad for that? He didn’t know him much anyways. He didn’t owe him anything, either. 

If only he could convince the guilt weighing in his stomach the same thing. 

When the school bell rang, Eric perked up, taking Gavin’s helmet out from where it gets hooked and clipped onto the back seat. He drummed his fingers against the top. 

His kid came bursting out from around the portables, running around to where Eric usually parked. Gavin threw his arms up in the air when he saw Eric, so Eric threw his arms up as well. He climbed off the bike and squatted down, holding his arms open enough for Gavin to launch himself into a hug. 

They did this just about every day and Eric didn’t see himself ever getting tired of it. Gavin snuggled his face against Eric’s shoulder and shouted “HI THIEF!”

“Hey, kiddo,” Eric said with a sigh. The nickname was a dour one, but it was hard to train Gavin out of it. He’d gotten upset about enough things, today, and he was waiting until they got home to do something about the rising panic he was literally just barely tamping down. 

He helped Gavin onto the motorcycle’s seat, strapping him in while he asked how school had gone. It was a Thursday. Gavin had math tests on Thursday, which he loved. They were doing fifty in a minute with addition, which the teacher said Gavin was really good at. Better than reading time, since he was bad at focusing. The teacher suggested he get Gavin checked for reading disorders or attention disorders. But Eric didn’t have the money for something like that. 

Still, it was nice hearing Gavin talk about how happy he was to finish the fifty. He was the first one done. “You’re such a smarty pants,” Eric joked, patting his hand on Gavin’s helmet once he got it strapped on. 

“Mm,” Gavin frowned at that one, then shrugged. “Not really. I just like the numbers.”

“You’re good at the numbers, too,” Eric reminded him as he sat himself back down, too. “What homework do you have tonight?”

“Wait wait, but I wanted to know,” Gavin grabbed Eric’s sides, balling his hands up around him. “How did lunch go?”

Lunch. 

Gavin was asking about. About how lunch went. Eric was really glad he wasn’t looking at him, because there’s no way he could have hidden how much his face fucking fell at the question. 

“It, uh. Went alright.” Eric put his own helmet on, not turning around to see Gavin. “I’ve got work tonight, so I’m going to cook dinner when we get home, and you’ve gotta do your homework. Okay?” 

He didn’t want to talk to his four year old brother, of all people, about that travesty of a date. It wasn’t even a date. It fucking felt like a date. 

He didn’t want to hang out with anyone. He didn’t even want to have to talk to any of them, not if they were going to all pile up on him and what if anyone ever started taking offense to him? He didn’t want to join their group. And he probably wasn’t even good enough for it. 

He didn’t want to think about how he’d walked out on David.

Shut the fuck up about it, Eric. You’ve gotta go for a bit of a drive. Then you get to panic about this.

“Okay,” Gavin’s voice was quiet, a little sad. Probably because Eric wasn’t answering his question. Usually Eric gave him an explanation before a nonanswer. But he didn’t need to. And Gavin wouldn’t understand. Eric could think of a thousand reasons why not to talk to Gavin about that. 

“It’s fine,” Eric said, as if he could comfort Gavin with that harsh statement. And he revved his engine before he could hear Gavin’s response, if any.

The drive was quick. Some kinda force must have been on Eric’s side because every light was coming up green. He parked the bike in his unit’s garage and Gavin hopped off fast, beating Eric to the door, and disappeared inside. 

Usually that was a surefire sign the kid was upset, but at the moment, Eric couldn’t really find it in himself to care. Nor fault him, really. Eric was on edge, was being pretty unreasonable. 

On the flip side, he had to make dinner. It was 2 p.m. and he had to be at work at 4, so he had to leave at 3:30, and he had to make sure Gavin was doing homework. A conversation like this could take hours. He didn’t have that kind of time. And he’d have to understand himself why this was all happening. Why he was doing this. What was so terrifying. 

Eric didn’t have the time nor the energy to confront that. So he wasn’t going to. 

Quietly, he trudged into the kitchen, jumping when the door to the bedroom slams closed. Gavin, most likely. He usually did his homework in the kitchen, but, well…

Eric slung his jacket over one of the kitchen chairs and went to work cooking. It was always a tossup, leaving Gavin home alone. He was a smart kid. Eric told him not to touch the stove or the oven or touch any of the knives on their stand, and Gavin had never done anything like that. Eric also would punch in his phone number on the landline phone and colored in the “call” button with green sharpie. If anything happened, Gavin knew to just hit the green button. That’d call Eric, and he could always get home within ten minutes. If anything super bad happened, Gavin knew to hide in the closet. All of the neighbors on their floor had been asked, please, to call him if something happened to the building or his unit. 

That was the best he could do, really. He didn’t have the money nor knew anyone well enough to let them watch Gavin. Once, he tried to leave Gavin with the neighbors, but he’d somehow escaped their apartment and gone back to Eric’s. The kid was attached, the neighbor had explained. And Eric didn’t really want anyone watching him in their apartment, when he wouldn’t be there. 

Sometimes, the kid will do the dishes for him. Once, Eric was pretty sure Gavin cut his hand while trying to wash a knife, but Gavin said a bully got his arm caught on a door hinge in a fight. That was a specific enough lie that worried Eric that maybe both had happened. Poor kid had to deal with living with him, bullies on top of that?

He made pasta with some marinara sauce. It was a solid batch, and if Gavin didn’t finish it, then Eric would have some. He’d already eaten more than enough at lunch, though. And he was used to being hungry by now. 

He stared at the cooking pasta with a blank expression. 

Once dinner was ready, Eric checked the clock. Twenty minutes before he had to leave. Which was pretty standard for him, save for how he now had to go into the room where Gavin was hiding so he could change. He wasn’t about to go out in what he’d consider his nice clothes, to a bar where he could get thrown up on.

He stopped in front of the door. And took a breath. 

“Dinner’s ready whenever you want it, Gav,” Eric said, voice soft as he also knocked on the door. “Can I come in? I’ve gotta get changed to go to work.”

“Sure,” came the soft reply.

Eric braced himself internally, pursing his lips a bit as he pushed open the door and peeked in. Gavin was curled up in his bed, backpack and shoes kicked off on the ground besides it. The blanket was pulled over his head, probably curled up into a ball under the sheets. 

He could just throw off his clothes and change real fast. But Eric only got his shirt off before Gavin’s head popped out. 

“Did your lunch make you sad?” he asked. 

The question made Eric freeze. Part of him wanted to turn around, growl at the child to shut the fuck up and stop asking. It would be easier, to be cruel. But he could never...he didn’t want to be his parents, and when the kid was worried about him? That kind of idiot’d do that. 

“A little,” Eric responded, trying to swallow the guilt that arose when he was reminded of how sad David had looked, how his smile had disappeared in the instant Eric stood up. 

“Does Thief not have any more friends?” 

Eric put on a black t-shirt and started taking off his jeans. “My name isn’t Thief, baby,” he tried to keep his tone level.

Gavin wilted a little. He hated it when Eric reminded him, but Eric hated that name, and it was going to be better to train Gavin out of it now rather than later. “Sorry, Daddy. But did your friend make you sad?”

He sighed. Persistent fucking kid. 

Too good for Eric, always worried about him. Sometimes, Eric wondered if Gavin got that from him, too. Always just a little too worried for it to be healthy.

He heard Gavin flinch back into the sheets, so he turned back around. Gently, Eric scooped Gavin up, blankets and sheets and all, and kissed his forehead. “A little,” he answered. “He was a new friend. I don’t think he meant to make me sad.”

“Okay.” Gavin snuggled a little more into Eric’s arms, and he felt Gavin hold onto his shirt. “Did you make him sad?”

Heh. “A little. We were both a little sad,” Eric gave him a squeeze, rocking slowly. “It’s okay, though. Sometimes you make yourself sad. Sometimes other people get sad. Being sad is okay. It’s—”

“It’s about what you do after you’re sad,” Gavin finished. Probably excited he remembered it. Kid’s always been bad at focusing, anyway. 

It’s something Eric’s told him before, quite a few times. He wished he could hide his panic and depression and honest despair from Gavin, but in a two room apartment? He didn’t want to leave the kid alone in the apartment, too. As little as he could. Gavin had seen him panic and Eric had pulled himself together to stop Gavin from worrying too much. The three year old kid had too big of a heart in him for Eric to keep making him sad, too. And now he was four. 

“Yep, you’ve got it. Smart baby.” Eric lifted him as Gavin reached his arms up, giving him a tight hug around his neck and shoulders. 

Gavin’s arm went around his head at that weird angle, where it was the only place where his arms could feasibly wrap around. “Are you gonna make it better?”

“I’m gonna try.” 

That seemed to be good enough for Gavin, because he gave Eric a kiss on the forehead, too, and then made a motion to go down. So Eric set him back down on the bed, ruffled his hair, and went back to changing his pants. 

“I set up dinner on the table, it’s noodles.” He always tried to get the ones that looked like sea shells, because Gavin thought they were fun. “After dinner, you can leave your plate on the kitchen counter and do homework at the table. I’ll be back before bed time, okay?”

Shift was supposed to be shorter today; he’d be off at 9, and it wasn’t like it was that long of a walk.

“Okay!” Gavin waved his hands. “Have fun! I love you!”

Eric, clothes changed and keys in hand, waved back. “I love you too!” 

He closed the door to the apartment, locked it from the outside, and hurried down the stairs. “I’m gonna try,” he mumbled again, quiet to himself.

The phone number. 

Eric still had the bill in his other pants’ pocket. He never took it out. 

It’d been a while since he, like. Had friends. And had to socialize. 

David likely told all of them that Eric had just walked out on him. He didn’t know what they thought of him. 

But he had to try. Right? 

At the very least, Phillip had seemed nice. Phillip had seemed like he knew what Eric’s anxiety looked like. And maybe that’d be….

Eric could try. There wasn’t a harm in that. 

Work went smoothly, both works. No one went too crazy at the bar and Eric left when the next shift lead came, just in time to catch Gavin brushing his teeth before bed. He’d managed to tuck the kid in, clean the kitchen, and even managed to fall asleep at a reasonable time. When he woke up, he took Gavin to school, then immediately went to his second job. Things were going well and, when he dropped off Gavin, the kid had wished him good luck in calling his friend.

Eric held onto that until his lunch break at his other job. During lunch break, he went across the street to a coffee shop, ordered a dirty chai, and took his phone out. He’d taken a photo of the bill’s phone number, wasn’t about to wave a hundred dollar bill around in public, but the picture was good enough. 

Here goes...well. Nothing, really. Everything. And nothing. 

Just call the damn number.

His finger hit the call button before he could think any more about it, and he waited. 

It took two rings for Phillip to pick up. 

“Hello?” he asked. 

“Hi.” 

That was when Eric realized he had no fucking idea what he was going to say. What, was he calling to say sorry? This was Phillip’s number, not David’s. Did he want to hang out with Phillip? What do adults do when they quote hang out unquote. He didn’t want to do anything that’d involve money too much, he wasn’t able to pay for a dinner or something. Did he even want to meet up with him, in person? And he had so many questions about the arrangement, of the what, five men in a relationship thing. Did all of them want to talk to him? Why? 

“Oh, Eric. Hello! I ha-I hadn’t expected you to call,” Phillip laughed a little, a sound that eased the tension off his shoulders. “Are you...What did you want to ta-to talk about?”

His voice sounded light. That was good. He didn’t sound mad. 

“I, uh. I just wanted to….” 

There was a pause. So Eric just took another sip of his coffee and said, quickly, “Did you want to go to a museum? Or hang out or something?” 

A museum. 

Eric hadn’t been to a single museum in the whole fucking city. 

What the fuck was he thinking. 

Phillip must have either pitied him or was picking up what he was trying to suggest, because that was when he responded, “Oh! If you want to-to walk around and ta-talk, we could go to the-the university’s botanical gardens.” 

Botanical gardens? And walking around might be nice. Eric’s never been to the gardens. To be honest, he didn’t know they existed, and also didn’t go to the city’s university. It was a little farther away from the downtown and it wasn’t like he got an education past high school level anyway. 

He’d always wanted to go into mechanics, what with working on the bike and all. It just never worked out. 

Flowers seemed nice. 

“Sure! That, uh, I’ve never been but that sounds nice,” he said.

“They are qui-quite pleasant,” Phillip hummed quietly, then added. “If you don’t mind, would it be alright if I exte-ex-ex-if I invited Cadence as well?”

Cadence. Cadence, the famous one?

“Is he, uh….is he allowed to like….” Eric, frankly, had no idea what protocol was around famous people. “Sure?”

Phillip chuckled quietly, just quiet enough for the phone to pick it up, and said, “He’s definitely allowed to be in publi-public, if that’s your worry. Being famous doesn’t make it illegal to be in places. He’d wanted to see you again, but, well. Bars are cro-cro-crowded. If you want, I won’t.”

“No, no, it’s okay. Sure. I’d, uh. That’s cool.” 

Why did he sound like an awkward teen? Why did this sound like asking someone out to prom? Eric was going to lose his mind. 

Thankfully and graciously, Phillip seemed to understand his plight. David must have spread the word of him being an anxious mess because, to some extent, Phillip was planning this date for him.

Not a date. Just hanging out. Still weird for him, but markedly less weird.

“When’s the next weekday you’re free?” Phillip asked. 

It wasn’t that hard of a question. “Monday,” Eric responded.

He didn’t have either job. Well, that was a lie, but he was picking up another late shift at the bar. He didn’t have to be there until eleven. 

“Great. Monday at ten?” 

“Works for me,” Eric said. 

Phillip hummed in approval. 

Eric almost wanted to ask about David. If Phillip heard. Things had been going well, for the most part, until David explained the polycule situation. And something about that had just made Eric’s chest seize. 

That was so many people to disappoint. They’d discussed him. Eric never liked being the point of discussion, for any people. So the idea that this group of people who were all dating had talked about him to the point that the others wanted to meet him was surreal. 

Plus, he couldn’t help but be wary of the insinuation that they just wanted to be friends with him. Phillip was very regal, pretty and polished. Cadence was so fucking handsome it was unfair. David had been handsome as well, beautiful in a casual way. Eric was too fucking gay for this. He hadn’t seen Marlowe in much other than lowlight, and while the dude was drunk, but even then Eric could tell the dude was adorable. It was un-fucking-fair.

There was a….worry, deeper down. That while they might not want him in a romantic way, he’s just going to be a nervous gay wreck the whole time. 

“See you then, then, Eric,” Phillip’s voice held something of a smirk, and then he hung up. 

Eric lowered the phone, starred at the call screen for a moment or two before things began to click on his head. He was going to hang out with Phillip. And Cadence. 

They didn’t hate him. 

That was a good start.

[the-forest-cryptid]

Life vent below. Tw: cussing and just general anger venting.

I'm so done, I don't even care about being nice and agreeable at this point as I just have so much shit going on both at home, work, and health wise. I'm just tired of it all as I'm being burnt at both ends and am now barely even running on fumes at this point. I hate my job and the people I work with. I hate that despite working there for almost 5 years now and having seniority over multiple people I always get stuck with the shitty shifts while others are given princess shifts and pampered because if clear favoritism because the dude making the schedule wants to fuck half the younger pretty girls I work with, he's not even the manger–the manager herself just gave up on making the schedule so she just passed it off to an employee which has resulted in him giving the easy shifts to people he likes and everything else to me and one other coworker. I hate that I do 3 times the work compared to others because they're too lazy to get off their asses, so even when I'm there hoping the work will at least be divided equally to save my energy that I barely even have left–but nope! I'm doing 3 different people's jobs while they just sit there and do jack shit. I haven't gotten any holidays for the past few years and they show absolutely no appreciation when I pick up additional holidays and whatever else for them. It stings when they go out of their way to celebrate other people's birthdays, but make me work on my own birthday. Or even when we do company parties, I'm always the one stuck working while they all go out with each other.

And thats just the work shit. My mom has let my abusive ass brother come back home after he was kicked out for literally putting hands on OUR GRANDMA!!! He put hands and pushed our literal 70 year old grandma around screaming the worst possible shit you could say to a person at her. Not to mention he's hit both me and my mom before, she's literally had to go get x-rays because she thought he had broken her bone. Like??? You're letting that type of person back home!? You're serious right now? Thats not even the tip of the iceberg of the shit he's done. So I can't even escape home when works ass. Neither place feels happy or safe. I've been locking myself away the second I get home and intentionally not speaking to either of them as I refuse to get looped into their drama and fighting again.

My youngest sister just got accepted over at a college on the West side of Washington and is wanting me to come with her so we can share rent. There's 3 hospitals over there that I can try applying to. It just feels like everything in the universe is screaming at me to get the hell out of my home town. It's probably about time anyways, I'm finally finished with college myself and it's embarrassing as fuck to admit to people at this point that I still live with my mom at 27. So it's probably about time I get the fuck out, and especially with all these motivators going on thats pushing me to go with my sister. I'm scared shitless obviously. Moving from my hometown for the first time and applying to some huge major hospitals is scary as hell. But the town we're looking at is gorgeous and I think will be worth it, regardless of how terrifying it is. Plus I've got someone with me, so hopefully that softens the blow knowing I've got at least some family with me if anything goes wrong.

Health stuff wise, not as major as I was thinking. It was a cyst like I hoped but I'm assuming it's going to require surgery. IDK if I wanna do that now before I leave or worry about it later. I've got a huge ass cyst on my right ovary which is behaving fairly well for now, but can quickly go south if it begins to torsion.

Anyways, rant over. I have no one to vent about this to so might as well scream into the void, right?

[silenceatfullvolume]

I don't know if I'm going to make it through this year. I really don't.

Everyone I love is either literally dying or going through unimaginable pain. I can't do anything to help anyone. I am grieving people who are gone and people who aren't and I am alone through all of it.

Always the guy you call. I answer every time. Need me at work on my day off? I'm there. Flat tire? I change it. Kicked out of the house you thought you were going to own? I'll come pick you up for a few drinks and ice cream and make sure you get home safe. You need someone to ride to Domino's with you? You got it. Musical performance? I'm in the front row.

But on my worst days, when I'm a mess and I'm sitting here crying while I fold the laundry one more time, I try to reach out for help with anything at all and everyone is busy. I try not to be hurt. I know I'm not that important. I've always known that. That doesn't mean it doesn't eat me alive sometimes.

Just one time I'd like someone to choose me for a day.

I think that's all I've ever actually wanted.

I'm 10 years old and my bags are all ready to go and I get the call that dad chose to work instead of take me for the weekend again and I have to pretend that I'm not gutted.

I'm 12 and it's almost 10 on a school night and I'm still not home because mom decided to work late again. I haven't seen her outside of the car ride home each night in months. She doesn't ask me how my day went or if I learned anything. She just takes me home and puts me to bed and watches her TV. The real housewives were always more interesting than me anyway, I guess.

I'm 15 and my friends all say they've got plans and can't go to the mall with me only for me to see on Facebook that they're all at the mall together without me and I have to pretend I'm not devastated.

I'm 22 and I ask the person I think I'm going to marry to go on a hundred different dates with me, any one they want to choose, and they say "Why can't we just stay home?" And I have to respond with my heart in my throat that we can't do that because they never come home to me at all. And I have to lie there awake next to them, not touching, all night. And I have to wonder why they don't like me anymore either. I'm pretty sure they're seeing someone else. I will never ask about it. It wouldn't matter if I did.

I'm 23 and I think finally someone has chosen me. I think someone is going to love me for real. I think maybe I've finally lived long enough for the love to have found me. I show him all of me, and on my worst night ever, I ruin that too. He leaves me on read and I have to pretend I understand why. I know what I did wrong but did I really deserve to feel like the devil? Maybe I did. Maybe I still do.

I'm 24 and I've lost a friend. All I can do to deal with this is try to ease your pain where I can. I'm trying my best. I keep trying to offer you my company even thought I know you'd probably rather have anyone else's. That's okay. I think I would, too. Even still I will answer every time you call. I am afraid that every time will be the last time. I am afraid that this will eventually kill me, too, but I will give it to you anyways because I still love you. I think I will never be able to tell you that again. I just hope you don't sigh and cringe when my name pops up on your phone. I hope I'm not your biggest regret. God, I hope I'm not your biggest regret. I don't think I can live with that. I'm sorry that all I can offer is my presence. I know it sucks. I will continue to offer it anyways, until you tell me to go fuck myself and leave you alone.

I'm 24 and my dad is dying. So is my grandmother. My mom is carrying that weight the same as I am. The cat is losing weight no matter what I do now. His liver is failing. I wonder how many funerals I will attend this year. A part of me wonders if any of them will be mine.

I'm 24 and I take a friend to see our mutual friend in a musical. After, we wait in the lobby to see him. He is ecstatic to see her. They take photo booth pictures. I am in exactly one of them. It is the only one nobody posts online. He stays and talks to her for half an hour by my truck. I try to be part of the conversation but I am generally shut down. I drive him back to his car and drop him off, then I take her back to the bar. I wonder if they know how much that whole interaction hurt me. I don't even think they noticed I was there. And yet I remember when he was in love with me. I don't know when I became invisible.

The truck needs work. The cars aren't running. I haven't slept a full night in about a month now. Yesterday I had 2 energy drinks and several cups of tea and coffee. Every day now I consider starting smoking. I wonder if it would make me feel better. I don't really care about the cancer risk. I think it would be the smell that bothered me.

I'm 24 and I'm not okay and I don't know what to do about it.

I'm 24 and I don't know if I'll make 25. I really don't.

I'll be 8 years on T in early August and I already know if I celebrate that milestone I'll have to do it alone. Only once in those 8 years has anyone cared enough to go out with me. I fucked that night up pretty good too.

I don't really drink like I used to anymore. I shower a lot more often. I try to make sure I eat at least once a day and I'm all smiles ninety percent of the time for my team at work.

But I come home and it is cold and it is silent and it deafens me and it crushes my chest and all I can do is walk out to the pond and stare at the water and ask everyone I can think of if they'll sit with me and they always say no. I ask them all if anyone wants ice cream and they all say no. I just want to not be alone with it all. I just want to share space. We don't have to talk. We don't have to touch. Please just sit with me. For God's sake, please just sit with me.

I do the laundry, I buy the groceries, I pay the bills, I put fuel in the truck, and I sit by myself in silence and stare at the water and I lose myself in albums nobody else cares enough to even listen to and when all of that catches up to me I come here and spew it all into the stupid little posts nobody reads and I pretend that it helps somehow to have it out of me.

I am trying to make the most of it. I am trying to push through and hold on. But there is increasingly less to hold on to and increasingly less to make the most of and I fear I am fighting a losing battle.

[ask-postcrash-curly]

Hello Curly. I'm sorry that people keep trying to give you tactics to calm yourself that just cannot work well for you.

Maybe, instead of looking at where you are now, you look back.

Could you tell me what your childhood house was like? Your childhood bedroom? Don't feel obligated to answer all these questions if they overwhelm you, you can describe it in your own words, I'm just offering a starting point. What did it feel like to lay on the bed? Was the room decorated with anything specific? When you looked out the windows what did you see? Trees? City? Other houses? What did it feel like to be there? Can you hold onto that feeling now?

i hope this helps, but once again, I won't make false promises that i know it will. And know that, even if it doesn't, I won't be upset, and you'll have done nothing wrong by it. I'm just testing the waters.

-see the day

Hey. That's all right. They're trying their best. It's worked a little anyways. Helps me, uh, get grounded in reality. Even if that reality is less than pleasant. Better than... the thing I'm not thinking about so I don't break down again, hah.

Sounds good. Let's do it.

It was, uh, smaller than the one we had in the States. Didn't have a yard. Had a bigger loft though. I hid up there now and then. If we hadn't moved I was going to save my pocket money to get a telescope for the window there.

Room was smaller too. Shared with Lise when we were young and Dad was working from home, but he decided it was a waste of space to have an office when he could just move the desk to his and Mum's room. I was going to be the one to move at first but I really didn't want to and I was scared to tell them I didn't want to for whatever reason. They figured it out though. Got Lise to move, she was mad but not as upset so it worked out. She wouldn't talk to me for a week though, hah. Uh.. the room was blue. Blue walls. There were scratch marks on the floor where Lise's bed used to be. Had a rug with planets on it. A little bookshelf by my bed. Was white, I think. Had a blanket from this cowboy cartoon I watched. And a quilt from Nan. Got lost when we moved and Mum was sadder than I was, but Dad found it maybe five years ago in a box. Asked if I still wanted it but I don't have a permanent residence and Mum was obviously much closer with Nan than me. So it's living with them now. I had a lot of plushes. Mousey was my favorite. Had Slippy's tank on the dresser for a year there. Got some posters up when I was twelve or thirteen... I can't remember what of. Damn. Was a nice room. I miss it.

It was a lot fucking softer than this one, that's for sure. Hahah. My bed was by the window. Had to remember to keep the curtains drawn or the sun would wake me up. Was a problem because I'd open it during the night to look at the sky. Was lucky we didn't live in a very urban area— you could actually see stuff out there. Same with our home in the States. Missed it after Jim and I went to the city for school. Yeah, uh... Bed was soft. Safe. There was a tree outside the window but it was short enough that it didn't block my view. I used to think that if I got old enough to sneak out I'd jump onto the branch and that's how I'd do it. Hah. I really thought I'd live in that house until I was grown.

I had a nightlight that looked like the moon and it broke and I got one that was the sun. Never liked that one. It was the wrong color. I stopped using a nightlight because of that.

I miss it there. It was safe.

I can hold onto the feeling now.

I'm okay. I'm—

ithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsithurtsthefireburningburningburningnoescape

...

God could my mind just shut the fuck up? I'm trying to bloody calm down, it's been fucking days of this. I'm tired of feeling like shit. More than usual. The feeling in my chest that just doesn't go away? Sorry, this— you really did help. I thought it was going to work. Don't know what just fucking happened. ...Yeah I do. I looked at the bloody window screen and— God would it kill Swansea to break this one too?? Damn constant reminder of— nope. Not thinking about it.

I, uh, I don't... have a home to go back to. No one I know has lived in that house for twenty years. I've been jumping between apartments and staying with family for ten or so. Usually rented with Jimmy, but that's obviously out of the question now, yeah? Hah! I'm— ow, ow, ow. I— I can't help but think, my family back on Earth, they'll look at me and I won't— they won't know me, or— or if they do, they won't— they're never going to understand what it was like. I don't want them to. But— I don't know, I don't understand what I'm thinking right now. I just— it's been months and I still can't figure out what I want to do if I survive this. If there's anything and anywhere left for me. It's not— it's not only about the disabilities. Can't explain it. No, I can, but I— don't want to. Just going to make me panic more.

Thank you. Sorry my brain's being an ass.

[barelynotsinking]

Kinda just need to vent. My home life is kind of shit. My parents blow up and you can never tell when they will but it always feels like it's your fault. I never feel safe with them. Today CPS came for a visit, my ceiling has a hole in it which My parents haven't fixed in the past 2.5 years. We are upper middle class and can afford it they just don't have time. Our house is old and it is likely there is both asbestos and lead in the ceiling and it is now in my room. I've lived there for the past 2.5 years and until last month there has been no effort to move me or fix the hole despite them knowing the dangers. Everytime I ask them about they yell at me and essentially call me ungrateful. They are very busy and work 10+ hour work days but this is important to my health, it is not my fault, and I've asked very respectfully understandingly and politely. In the past 2.5 years I have only made two step forward, all within the last month. I've been moved to a different room and my parents now tell me about the efforts they are making to fix the hole (which they only started in genuine a month ago). Everything in our house is broken and they make no effort to fix it. They blame it on us for being careless and clumsy, but it is a house with 2 teenagers and a tween. All depressed and 2 with diagnosed adhd. They scream at us if we forget somethings as simplenas doing the dishes, they've called us names, they cuss us out, they bring in our hopes dreams and passions, things we told them when things were in a good place and turn them against us to use them as a put down. It's been like this for as long as I can remember but it's gotten worse in recent years as they have gotten more stressed. They don't realize what they are doing and I genuinely don't think they believe anything is wrong. But it's gotten to the point that my little sister has noticed. When they found out about CPS they weren't angry but they were stressed and I think they handled it all wrong. They told us we couldn't tell anyone about it, which sucks because the whole ordeal was incredibly stressful, though we knew we probably wouldn't be taken we still couldn't count on it and we needed the support from our friends (shout out to my bsf who I told anyway they're the only reason this is only a tiny bit less shit). They also told us not to be dramatic while talking to the social worker, like they knew something was wrong but thought it was our fault which fuckings sucks. They also told us that we needed to clean up so they didn't look like neglectful parents. Which is complete bullshit. Bc yeah they look like neglectful parents, they are neglectful parents, this is what neglectful parenting looks like. I had my CPS interview today (I went out to see a movie so I had missed the social worker) the entire way back home I was stressing and deciding whether or not to lie to them. On one hand there was that I love my siblings and CPS fucking sucks and I don't trust the government, but lying feels like giving my parents a pass for all the shit they do, it feels like saying their shitty treatment of me and my siblings is okay, because I'm "choosing it". I don't know what I was going to do, but I think lying would've been the bigger thing to do, not letting my petty rage get in the way or what not. But when I called the social worker she didn't ask me any questions, she just wanted to tick a box, she just needed to see my face. And in some ways I think that's worse, bc she didn't give a shit, she was supposed to and she didn't, and I twisted myself into knots just for her to do the bare minimum. Now I just feel like I'm not worth it and I'm making it all up. That is not that bad and I'm being dramatic. That I don't deserve that help. And honestly I don't know how true that is. But I just feel like shit

[waterforlorn]

day eighteen. october 24th.

uhhh, it's been a while. hey me, hope you're doing better. yeah, i know it's been a weird few days.

in fact, i did write down the 22nd, but decided to not keep it. it's uh, not been my proudest moment. it's whatever. guess it was good i got it out .. in a safe space instead of the usual way. don't think camp jupiter would've appreciated me clipping one of their warriors' wings. i would have, without a doubt, but he knew what was best for him and pissed off before i got the chance to.

anyway, enough of that. emotions, feelings, thoughts. i've not exactly been sticking to that, i know.

thoughts first, that's been the easiest factor. i'm starting to regret coming on this trip. not because of nico, nah. cause nico's great. it's not that. it's this life he had before me that i don't know and all these demigods he knows? and who adore him? from what i've heard? not that i blame them. he's an idiot, but in a good way. and now there's me and we've only known each other for what? half a year? sure we've seen plenty together, but still. i guess … we're back to what? entry 05? i'm … and i fucking hate writing it down more than FEELING it. i'm insecure.

good moment to jump over to emotions and feelings, i guess. i fucking hate feeling like that. it's such a damn bother. i shouldn't feel threatened by everybody nico likes.. who likes him, but i do. that just means i… don't believe in us, doesn't it? I WANT TO. it's so complicated. that's exactly why i never wanted any of this. if i'm alone, nobody can make me feel like that and i can hate the world all i want. it's like nico opened some goddamn door and now there's more and more people sneaking in and i HAVE to like them. so fucking annoying. but most of it all is just that goddamn fear he's gonna reconnect with someone who makes him realize he made a mistake. or something.

man, i got no fucking idea. i'd ask him, but fuck it if he ever finds out. don't think he realized yet he's way too good for me. don't wanna be the one to slap it in his face. i'm gonna guess his old friends are gonna do that. would he be mad if i asked him to turn around? probably.

we're a day out i think. tops. i know he's got one more stop planned. he said i'd like it and with his success history when it comes to judging that, i believe him. but i can't help wanting to drag it out. i'm not ready to learn about that side of him.

i think?

fuck, how should i know?

i just know that if one of them just looks at nico the wrong way or touches him, i'm gonna flip. it's fucking crazy. i was NEVER the jealpus type, i was never the possessive type. sure, i … had my way to keep jonathan my corporal… strung along so he'd only have eyes for me and i guess… that could count as an early start …of possessiveness? huh. ironic that HE was the one who wanted me tied down and i ran. i left the damn army because of him. to get away from this ….claim he thought he had on me. he set his fucking hound on me when he had a damn WIFE at home. like what? he's allowed to hate fuck some lady for his parents, but i'm supposed to be his puppy? pffhht.

i never hid that what we had was … not monogamous. on both sides. no fucking idea - to this day, what he thought when he demanded i stop and asked me to become HIS. like i ever would've agreed.

yeah, irony's back. cause now .. well, we both wanted to only fuck each other. RIGHT? yah, i'm sure nico .. felt the same. sure, our talk about it was awkward, but we agreed, right? yeah. back then i wasn't ready. that cost me the only home and family i ever knew. i'm not worried about it happening again, nico's .. nothing like him, which is good, cause he's not my type anymore. sure, he was hot - he probably still is, but that whole asshole i'm superior and you gotta kneel and do what i tell you attitude? nah. i like what i got now. nico's .. great. he really is. i wanna say they're polar opposites cause jonathan was too violent and nico off the battle field is too gentle. but i'd pick gentle over violent at any point in time, especially cause i know that together? we can be a force of nature on the battle field.

anyway. uh, that should sum up thoughts, feelings and emotions? i think? pffhhht, no idea, but who cares, right? see ya, journal.